Sink or Swim
by North of L
Summary: Becketts PTSD acts up again, and makes her admit something to Castle, something that hurts him more than she ever intended it to.


_First of all, I would like to thank my amazing beta-reader Katrina for all her help, I might not have put this up if it weren't for her, so thank you very much Katrina._

_Second, this story will be a one-shot for now, unless inspiration once again strikes me at , and I come up with a fitting continuation._

_Lastly, I hope you like it and reviews are greatly appreciated!_

…_..._

She couldn't focus, the images were flashing through her head as fast as the speeding bullet had gone through the air that day in the cemetery. She heard the people shouting, smelled the grass, felt Castle on top of her, and the pain. The searing burning pain that almost swallowed, closed everything else out. Almost. Not the 'I love you' part. But she wasn't at the cemetery, she wasn't lying on the ground dying, she was in a bookstore, ducking behind a shelf. Her chest was heaving and the sobs and tears threatened to engulf her.

Their suspect, probably their murderer by the looks of it, Adam Yale, had rushed into the building as she, Castle, Ryan and Esposito were chasing him down the street. Beckett had been first after him, but she'd lost sight of him amongst all the bookshelves. And then he'd jumped out. She should have been quicker, she was a trained NYPD detective, she _was_ quicker. But she saw the gun pointed at her, and her instincts took over and she ducked behind the shelf, just in time for the shot to miss her.

Ryan and Esposito, who were close behind, hadn't missed a beat. Ryan but a bullet in Yale's thigh, and the six foot four man had plummeted to the ground, screaming and thrashing in pain. Ryan and Esposito both had their attention directed towards Yale, and so they didn't pay attention to Beckett, firmly pushed back against the old bookshelf. There were no costumers, the clerk was hiding behind the (cashier) no one could notice. Except, Castle.

He sat down by her side as soon as he saw her.

"Kate? Kate, can you hear me?" he asked gently.

But the despair and terror in her eyes as hers moved to his proved to him that she may be able to hear him, but her mind was somewhere completely different than this battered old bookstore.

"Hey, it's okay, it's okay," he said in a low soothing voice as he edged closer and closer to her, finally putting his arm around her and pulling her towards his chest.

To his surprise, she didn't object, and he noticed that the heavy breathing was slowly subsiding. He glanced toward Ryan and Esposito, the latter of which was putting pressure on Adam Yales' thigh.

Yale was spluttering, "I'm sorry" s and " I didn't meant to kill her" s , while Ryan was on the phone with dispatch to get an ambulance over as soon as possible. They were busy, for now.

"Hey, lets get up, okay? I'm going to take you to my place, they've got this."

Beckett nodded slowly, she was finally feeling the fear and terror diminish, and the hand that had been clutching the place she'd been shot let go, and instead made itself useful by pushing her up off the floor. Without a word to Esposito or Ryan, they left the bookstore.

They walked in silence for a while, Castle looking for a cab, Kate just trying to come to terms with what had happened. Castle didn't want to interrupt her train of thought, but he was dying to know if she was okay. Before he could open his mouth though, Beckett spoke. Her voice was low and wavering, and it didn't sound like what either of them had expected from her.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what happened I…" she trailed off, and Castle only awaited the rest, he could tell she wasn't finished. " Thank you, for calming me down. I couldn't think, I was back there again, you know? I was at the cemetery, and I heard the shot and the screaming, and you…"

Castle might not have made the connection if it hadn't been for the look of utter surprise and fear that graced her features.

"You remember?" he asked in an unreadable tone, coming to a sudden halt in the middle of the street.

She didn't answer, and he didn't need it.

"How long?" he asked in the same tone.

This time, she took a deep breath before opening her mouth. "Ever since I woke up in the hospital… But I just…I couldn't give you what you wanted from me then, and I thought if I could…I'm sorry, Rick, I'm so sorry!"

"Sorry you lied, or sorry you got caught?" he asked.

He was angry, she could see the hurt on his face. She was about to speak when he cut across her.

"I waited three months. _Three months!_ For a call, a call you never intended to make, I watched you die! You have no idea what it is like to _watch_ someone you love, there I said it, LOVE, die like that. And to have you lie to me straight to the face, because you couldn't just tell me you didn't want this; what is that? Who does that?"

"I was shot Rick! Somebody tried to kill me! How on earth did you expect me to just get over it and live happily ever after with you? I needed time…"

"And I would have given it to you!" he said in a raised voice. Passers-by were starting to stare at them, glancing curiously in their direction. "But you didn't even give me the chance. Do you even feel the same way?"

There it was, the question they'd been ducking and diving from for so long. Blatantly brought on by his anger, both their angers. And there was no escape route this time, this was it, sink or swim.

And she was drowning. Drowning because this was serious. If she told him now, he would know, it would mean that everything she'd been hiding from, everything she'd so desperately wanted, would be in reach. And that scared her senseless. Without an answer, he just shook his head.

"At least, now I know," he said, and started to walk.

Away from her, away from the woman he loved so much, but couldn't have. Away from the heartache she represented. Leaving her there, feeling cold, empty, and equally heartbroken.

Back at the precinct, she was staring into space, trying to figure out why she'd been so stupid. Of course, she knew. She'd been protecting herself for so long, she was afraid to let her guard down because she'd never known what would happen if she did. She had had men in her life before Castle, but she hadn't told them she loved them. She wasn't sure if she _had _loved them. But she knew how she felt about Castle. She knew she wanted to be with him, and he wanted nothing from her but the same. So what was she doing here?

Ryan and Esposito had inquired about Castle, and she'd felt a sharp pang at the mention of his name. She knew what she had to do, she had to go to his loft and ask for time. But there was only one way she was going to get it. She marched over to Ryans' desk. "Hey Ryan, I need to go do something, are you okay here?"

He nodded. "Yeah, you can just take the day off, we got the rest covered."

She knew he'd seen her dive down in front of Adam Yale, and that he'd noticed her odd behaviour since they came back, but she needed to see Castle, so she took it

"Okay, see you tomorrow."

He heard the doorbell, and wondered who on earth it could be. His mother had taken Alexis out for a day of shopping, and he hadn't ordered any food. The only thing he'd been doing since his fight with Beckett was drinking a glass of scotch and staring at the computer screen, willing inspiration to strike him. But he came up empty.

It surprised him, seeing her there. Not just because she'd actually showed up, but because she looked so nervous and timid.

"Can I come in?" she asked.

He swung the door open, and she entered. As soon as it closed, she wasted no time. Her lips were on his, and before he knew what he was really doing it, he kissed her back. She tasted like peppermint-toothpaste, fresh and clean. He could feel the softness of her lips as they moved against his. His hands tangled themselves in her long brown hair, and hers were planted at the base of his neck. They savoured the moment, revelled in the greatness of this kiss. They'd both been longing for another one ever since they'd had their first.

Soon, they had to resurface for air, and they stood there, forehead against forehead, breathing silently.

"I love you," she whispered, and he pulled her in for another kiss, gentler this time, careful and sweet.

When they broke apart, she said, "I need time Rick, I swear it won't be long, but I need just a little time to work this out."

"But you love me?"

She smiled. "I love you. Always"

"Then take all the time you need, I will be here. Always."


End file.
